I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
