Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
