Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
