Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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