this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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