Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
