Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
