would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
