Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
