just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
