Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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