We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
