Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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