Can i not drive my cunt home
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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