Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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