I'm so fucking centered right now
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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