Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
