dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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