Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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