I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Randomize
