i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
