I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
