Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
