1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
