WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
