just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We had to coat check the pizza.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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