The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
