'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
