Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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