FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
