i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Still dying that you shit outside
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Of course I have a pirate flag
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
