i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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