it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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