meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
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