I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
