update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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