My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
