$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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