I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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