sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
