i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
