my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
sarcasm needs its own font
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
