Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
