it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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