I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
