I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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