Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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