wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
accomplished twins. life is a go
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
