I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
