Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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