see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
