I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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