Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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