sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
