just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
