Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
