just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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