it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
